Personal Update February 2018
Tap tap. Is this thing on?
Hello. Yes, I am back and I'm also mildly caffeinated, so this should flow fairly quickly. I'll be honest with you: I've been having the deepest sense of guilt for not pursuing my blog, podcast, or any form of business I've worked so hard to develop in the past few years. My stomach has been churning at the thought of ads and monetization of the blog, and all the things I could and "should" be doing now that I'm three months postpartum.
I "should" have my crap together and I "should" be resuming normal programming as I promised. Does everyone think I'm a loser in my bathrobe eating snacks all day long? Gasp! Is it worse that I feel like a loser for sitting in my bathrobe eating snacks all day long? I think it is.
What will I do now that I have Phoenix? What will I do for fun? What will I do for income? What do I have time for? What do I have energy for?
Sheesh. I don't even usually write these posts in this self-reflective-diary-style-babbling way, but today I'm here and that's what I'm doing I guess. There isn't much end game other than just being honest and real with you (and me) about where I am in my postpartum journey.
I'm not having an easy time. I'm letting things get on top of me more than I used to. I'm anxious and bummed and feel like a loser sometimes. When I tell other moms this, they tell me to take the baby out or go do this or that but here's the deal: it's been raining for like three months and my husband (who works all week) has the car every day. What does that leave? It leaves me at home with my baby, two dogs, an iPhone and an appleTV. AKA the tried and true recipe for a couch potato (with her boobs out).
Cue people exiting out of this post because I'm sounding very first-world-problem-y. Does that make my emotional rollercoaster less valid? Does the fact that I'm able to stay home with my baby, a luxury that some women don't have, take away from my struggle? I don't think it should but I feel like most well-meaning family members and friends respond as such. I should just change my perspective.
Being told your problems shouldn't matter is a sure-fire way to drive that guilt right back up. Want to talk about your problems and not have someone point out the bright side? Do you just want to be heard? I totally feel that.
I don't know why I feel so called to write about this, but maybe there's a mom (or two, or three!) out there who is feeling this on a very deep level. Personally, I'm just now getting over a very unfunny bought of mastitis after overcoming issues with my tongue-tied baby growing slowly then boosting my supply only to have it tank after this clogged duct took over my right breast.
Have I been pressured into giving my baby formula even though several IBCLCs told me different things regarding his growth? Yes. Did I give him the formula anyway and felt insanely guilty about it deteriorating his developing gut flora and being a less-than-perfect food? Yes.
Have a cried over and over and over again for no reason? No. JK YES.
Do I have a husband, friends, and family who love me and mean well? Yes. Does that change how I treat or think about myself? I wish it was that easy.
I'm not sharing this post for you to tell me it will all be okay or that I'm doing a great job or anything like that (though, feel free, good vibes are always welcome). It's for the other mamas (or even daddies) out there who feel like they're never doing enough.
Parenthood isn't this hard for everyone, and it doesn't make them less of a parent for not struggling, just as it doesn't make me less of a mother for struggling.
Anyway. Personal post coming at you, and it's not exactly stuff I haven't talked about before, but I figured it'd be nice to put this out there in longer form to expand on my Instagram post today.